learning things about myself

I am my own worst emeny. Dear friends, if anyone reads this it might help for you so think about it. I find that if I have someone on the brain then I will think about them and its hard to stop, part of that includes when I should be sleeping because I over think and over analyse everything. This is what I have learned which might help, if I don't get the sleep I need (unlike a lot of people who just get grumpy), I get "depressed" which is quickly remedied by a quick nap 20 minutes is sufficient to give me the rest I need and I am good for a while. But if I don't then I just get more and more depressed. I feel it is a good time for an analogy, you see it's like driving a car or taking a photo... when you have an ubalanced clutch and gas ratio (I'm talking pedals) your car will either rev very high, or will stall out... but if you have the proper balance of the two then your car will run fine and likewise with photography, without the proper balance of shutter speed and aperature you will get a photo too dark or too light. I am really lacking a crucial part the spiritual element, for me this can leave me to think and feel that maybe God doesn't care. The reality is that God cares deeply and passionately about me and about you as well, though when I don't get enough sleep I quickly learn that my perception is skewed.

all of this to say, take time to have your balance in life between sleep/awake and people/solitude will give you the tools that you need to do what you have to do.

Recent developments, opening my eyes

Well I've realized something... part of this quest requires my vision to be broad, but I have a tendency to be too broad. I am perfectly content with being single the rest of my life but I have a desire to live my life... in a way that I haven't really yet, and sometimes I confuse things surrounding that. For instance I want to have a career (like now), a house, a car (which I do), and this whole blog is about... a spouse. I realize though, that sometimes I feel that if I had a spouse it would bring me one step closer to living my life the way I've described (because with a spouse you have to have a house/living arrangements etc.). This brings in my thoughts of a "too broad" perspective, that in the past I have "fallen in love with every girl that has legs" which isn't good, and I have narrowed my perspective a little, but I have also changed what I see. in the past I see potential partners with excites the part of me that wants a spouse and so I jump the gun and after only one or two dates I want to marry them (or not even dates but just conversations lol :S). At this point, like I said, I am content being single but that doesn't mean that its hard not to fall. To try and help with this I have created a list of requirements, I know many may fit it, but only one will exemplify it, and only one is God's plan for me. When she stumbles into my life I would like to know it.

• Loves Jesus
o Her love for Jesus has to be an inspiration... that I am challenged to love Jesus more, not because of her actions but her love
• Caring heart (awww factor)
• “Suitable in Chicago”
o Would be ok living majority of their life in the City (Chicago)
o And would be willing to go wherever God leads
• Have a dream, vision, aspiration to drive them
• I have to think she’s beautiful
• Sense of opportunity ( a “dreamer”)
o What if? Mentality
• People oriented/outgoing
• “someone who's okay with you taking the lead, and that respects your authority and welcomes it in her life”
• Hopes of changing the world
o Understanding that the world as is, is broken, and that she wants to make her impact in whatever way she can
• Best friend
o She has to be my best friend, share things with me and me with her

if you read this and have questions... I would love to answer them. So that's it for tonight, later "y'all"

Kids, views, etc.

I have at one point recently felt that my life would be OK without kids, this would present all sorts of opportunities. I could mentor kids who's fathers weren't the fathers that they should be and I could pour out into kids that needed it even though I wasn't their biological father. I have felt OK with the thought of not having a spouse, of living the rest of my life as a bachelor. and to this day God is enough that He is my sustainer that these beautiful aspects of life are nothing in comparison to God and what He provides. But I know that God will use these things to bless me in a way that I can't describe. Though I can paint you a picture... a moment when everything appears to be crashing around you head burried in your hands the only thing your mind can think about is the failure that you are when all of a sudden you feel the warmth of a hand rubbing your back and instantaneously the tears turn from defeat and failure and turn to the love you have for that woman who has stood by your side time and time again and just how gateful you are to the fact that God has blessed you in such a way. that kind of joy is indescribable in a literary sense but everyone can relate to and hopes for in some way or another. The other image I would like to give is this, you have "one of those weeks" where things just seem to be dead, and you begin to ask yourself "Am I useful?", "do I have a purpose", and "is what I'm doing actually filling a purpose"... and then you go home and you see your son or daughter, and it reminds you that even if your career isn't doing anything, your every action is impacting this young one to grow up and be the Man or Woman that God is intending them, and you have that purpose and meaning.

I need to take a quick moment to make a distinction. It is this author's firm belief that every single person has a purpose to fulfill that may or may not include kids and a spouse, and it is my hope that your purpose goes outside of and beyond kids and a spouse because your kids and spouse will never be able to give you meaning. It is God who will do that, and He wants to do it and will give you the joy, peace, and understanding necessary to complete this.

In Him,
Lucas